What There Is to Know About Being A Woman

What There Is to Know About Being A Woman

Marina Sanchez
Freelance Columnist

What have I worked out about the being a woman?

Absolutely nothing.

 As I self profess of my feminity handicap, it’s come to my attention there are still many things that are confusing about our gender. As a regular “plain Jane” mother, it wasn’t until recently that I had learned how to apply eye make-up correctly. Yes, very sad. Eye make-up is to the woman as physics is to the common high school student.


However, once embarking onto such a journey does not suffice. You actually want to learn more. To understand the unknown, everything that you have been missing. I have begun such a quest to end my illiteracy in the secrets of women.


What is the deal with this substance? Is it even supposed to stick to the hand when one is trying to apply it? There are so many products out there, sprays, leave-in conditioners all that come with basic instruction but lack the very one thing desired.

 Is it for YOUR hair? As of yet, basic shampoo and conditioner have suited me. Lazy, I agree. Yet that might explain the countless bad hair days. I have recently tried mousse. Once I got it to it’s destination, it made my hair feel as if it wasn’t properly washed. It feels like the time I didn’t completely wash the shampoo out of my hair. That was a miserable day! And even when dispensing, either too little or too much comes out. I might have a problem with the manufacturer now that I think about it. Where is that 1-800 number?

To exfoliate or not exfoliate? Isn’t THAT the question? I don’t even know what that is? Washing your skin? I thought I was doing that every day in the shower. Am I missing something? And why are there hundreds of facial products? By the time I read all the things I am supposed to do, I AM asleep.

Why are there are options as foundation and powder?

 Either one have not stopped me from breaking out like Doogie Houser. It shouldn’t be so complicated but for the untrained female, well, it’s a damned bit of work. All this just boils down to the fact that there should be some kit of make-up designed for each baby girl born that the hospital should issue out. “This is what your daughter will need. The kit comes with a how-to-apply CD and step by step instructions. If needed, we can send a make-up stylist to her to show and assist her with all her future make-up selections.”

The world would be a better place.

What does a bikini wax entail?

To even utter the words scares me. There is no way I would ever attempt to call a place and ask if they do bikini waxes and what it all includes. There are even different types of waxes and now you can bedazzle your female junk. I have died and woke up in futuristic heaven! Does the bedazzling involve a hot glue gun? We are talking about sensitive bits here. Very sensitive. They slather your bits with hot sticky wax (gulp) and then the dominatrix errr … I mean aesthetician rips it off taking with it all your hair. I just fainted.

Facial hair.

One of the many curses women have to bear. All I want to know is it, how can I avoid looking like this? Not to say that I am on the verge, but I do have light peach fuzz on my face. You can’t see it but gee, I know its there. It just makes you wonder, what are the celebrities doing that I am not? What is their daily regime? Do they have an alternative to facial waxing? Come to think of it, I don’t think I have heard of facial waxing? Does that make the face all puffy afterwards? I want to be picture perfect and less like her.

Hair on toes and fingers?

Does anyone else seem to have this problem? I have been shaving the few strand hairs that grow but it’s so grotesque. I need to stress that it’s only a few hairs in case I am painting the picture that I am a monster. At least, I know I am totally making some of you readers feel good about yourself. Yeah for you!

Finally, the biggest concern is one I can’t hide with a glove or a hat or a sock. How do determine the eye colors for today? I heard you’re not supposed to match your eye shadow to your outfit. I do! Am I freak? It does not make sense to wear blue eye shadow with a yellow top? All eye shadows should come with a guideline on what colors to wear along with it! Come on Cover Girl; go with me on this one!

Truth be told, I do feel that I crashed here from another galaxy not long ago or maybe I was a man in my past life. I don’t know. Some woman truly enjoy being “that” woman- the really polished, pulled-together looking one who knows the difference between off-white and ecru. Or something. But many of us don’t. Some are that Plain Jane and beauty product illiterate. There is more ways to being a “woman” that we don’t need to tell each other how to do it. Being comfortable in your own skin is golden.

And if you’re not. Then you’re screwed. Kind of like me.

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